I have some sort of related thoughts swimming around in my head. It all feels problematic because many of my thoughts just swim and swim, caught up in a rip tide, never making it to shore.
My niece gave me some sage advice about repainting the bathroom ceiling. In a nutshell the advice was, do what YOU want. I wonder how much of what I have done in my life has been what I wanted. I don't mean to be an annoying old person who spends all her time looking back but I guess I understand the impulse more now. There is a lot back there to look at and it is hard not to pick up the past, turn it over and over and examine the parts you didn't understand then and the parts that are mysteries still. I know that I didn't want to be sleep deprived for the ten years that one or more of our children were up in the night. Still, I would not trade any one of them for ten years of restful nights. Re-reading Liz's advice and expanding it past decisions about ceiling painting, I think she meant to do what will make you happy, not simply what you want but what you want most.
The idea that there are constraints on what we want is learned quite early. One day when my girls were little, maybe 4 and 7 years old, I was quite frustrated with their constant pestering for every little thing they saw and wanted in the store. I had told them "no" many times in, what I am sure, was my less than pleasant tone. Finally I turned to them and quietly said, "Get what ever you want." They were excited for about two seconds but even at their age it didn't make sense to them. It continued something like this,
Really, anything? Yes. Will you be mad. No. Why? I'm tired, I don't care. Mommy, are you ok? Yes, just pick something and let's go home. (crying) We don't want anything. We want to go home. Me too.
It wasn't my finest or most sane hour in parenting.
Still, understanding that there are constraints is helpful. Some things we just can't have. I can't fly the way a bird flies, with no help from planes or parachutes or even jet packs ala George Jetson. I may want to, but I just can't. Some things or experiences that I want I may be able to work hard enough or get lucky enough to trade what I have for what I want. There are things I will always want and never have. Other things, some of the best things, are gifts. Things like love that doesn't have to be earned or even deserved but is always there and steady are gifts.
Loosely tied to all this are thoughts I have had about unrealistic expectations. I read a news post on MSN about a woman who felt betrayed by her expectations of life after weight loss. She may have even been writing a book about it. I am sorry I didn't save the link. She had decided to have one of those surgeries that makes your stomach smaller or takes out part of your intestines or what ever it does that makes it so you can't eat very much at all. She lost weight and was healthier but she expected more. She said something like, society sells the idea that if you are thin you will be happy and smart and popular and all your problems will be gone. She had unconsciously bought into this notion and was disappointed that fat or thin, she was fundamentally the same person.
I wonder about some of my expectations. I wonder if they would be more appropriately labeled as hopes or dreams. I wonder which are worth holding onto and which are foolish or false notions that need to be dismissed. What is it that I want or want most?
I loved this Sylvia. And to think it all came from a "to paint or not to paint ceiling" moment.
ReplyDeleteI have so many responses, I will likely ramble. Consider yourself warned.
ReplyDeleteI think there are times when you can simply do what you want - like when you paint the bathroom. The repercussions are not likely to hurt anyone and if you discover doing what you wanted in that instance doesn't make you happy, it takes relatively minimal work to try something new.
On the other hand, sometimes doing (or getting) what we want does have larger repercussions. These consequences very from person to person and often extend beyond yourself. If you want to eat an entire one pound bag of M&M's, whether this will result in gaining an extra pound or going into diabetic shock depends on your own circumstances. Maybe eating those M&M's allows you to survive nicotine withdrawals while you quit smoking. Or maybe you'll find that after you decide it's okay to eat the whole bag, it's easier to share the bag or only eat a few pieces. Who knows? We tend to assume we understand other people's motivations any time we pass judgment on them. But if we take a moment and turn that gaze inward, the fact is we are often confused by our own motivations.
I have wondered if I take some of the difficult theory classes I take because it's the class I really want to take or because it's the most difficult path. Am I trying to challenge myself or prove myself? It's a constant negotiation. Hidden beneath our motivations are almost always expectations. If I do "A" then "B" will happen. But everyday is filled with examples of “A” leading to “C” or not seeming to lead to anything at all.
Sadly, I don't think the woman you mention with the weight loss surgery is the exception. There are reasons people gain weight. These underlying reasons MUST be addressed if weight loss is going to be permanent and enhance your life. Very few people are "just plain lazy", in my experience. Generally to qualify for weight loss surgery, someone must be 150 - 200 lbs overweight. Unfortunately, many people get weight loss surgery because the physical health risks have become so extreme that there is not time to address the underlying issues. They learn the hard way that no matter what you weigh - you are still the person behind your eyes when you go to bed at night. If you are not happy, it is this person you need to face and change. Changing the outside rarely changes the inside, but changing the inside always changes the outside in some way.
One more thing about expectations... I wonder about them sometimes. Is it more damaging to have unrealistic expectations and have reality fall short or to not expect enough and allow possibilities to go unfulfilled? As a child I was furious with my dad when he told me, "Liz, you can do anything you want, but you can't do EVERYTHING you want." My reaction was that people live a long time and there would be plenty of time for me to go to law school after medical school. And you know what - there would be if those things remained my priorities. They didn't.
Life got in the way of my plans. But in my wildest imaginings and my highest expectations, I never dreamed my life could be this amazing. This semester several of my expectations have been thwarted. My future may not hold the things I have worked towards and hoped for - but my present overflows with love and joy. As long as I love the person behind my eyes, the rest of life is bonus.
It's not just the best parts of life that are gifts - all of life is a gift. What about me or you or anyone has earned joy or even despair? How does one earn the right to love or to cry? Is there anyone who deserves a sunrise?
P.S. That was me... don't know what happened there.
ReplyDelete~Liz
I remember that experience very clearly actually...
ReplyDelete